Global Warming

I'm sure you have heard all about this so called "Global Warming" and how the Earth's climate is changing. They tell you that everything you are doing is causing this: leaving the power on, using certain chemicals, whatever. They even say the planet is in danger. These, like most things you've heard, are lies.

The Truth
is that Global Warming is caused by lawn gnomes. Those little critters like to decorate their yards with generate massive amounts of heat and no one ever notices. When the sun hits a lawn gnome, their little hats intensify the heat produced by ten fold. The average lawn gnome enthusiast has 2 lawn gnomes (Based on listed on the census of 2010). That generates 20 times the normal heat of the sun. Take into account the crazy woman next door who owns 30 plus gnomes and you have a whole lot of heat.

The solution to the problem is simple. Get rid of lawn gnomes. The things are creepy anyway. Just get rid of them and all will be fixed. Some have tried to just chop off their hats but this has proven to be ineffective as their heads receive residue from the hats thus intensifying heat. Although, it intensifies at a lower rate, it still remains around 4 or 5 times the normal heat. Lucky for us though, the planet can keep up with this kind of heat for another 400 years or so and after that, who really cares, you'll be dead.